Retrospectively? Live it whilst you can

I took annual leave today, and I am taking time off next weekend and the weekend after that.  I told myself and other people is was to (first weekend off) take Luke back to Uni; to See Jo and do Vickies Stampers (second weekend off); and to go see Debs (third weekend that is actually a five day break with the weekend being in the middle). 

Because I was off today I thought I might do a blogging catch up and only got as far as the crafty womble and Carmen.  I saw Carmen's 'A-Z' of me and said 'oohhh'  I did that on my old blogger blog - will go find it and link it to this here web site....

For some reason I ended up reading my blogger blog from my last entry going backwards...

And I realised a couple or more things:  I have always adamantly steadfastly refused to keep a diary, what is private is private and my thoughts will not be opened to prying eyes that do not really understand the context or depth of my soul.

Well ha ha ha - what bullshit, of course you dear reader know I have beared my soul, and of course you know (and I have been avoiding it) that it is a year since Sarah was in ICU and subsequently died.  That traumatic week. That painful death.  And reading back over the year is the subtext of my loss.

where am I now?  Alive. Very Alive.

Less patient, less tolerant, less willing to give things and people more than one chance,

but also

and in a somewhat contradictory fashion I am also more compassionate,  more giving, more aware that I do Know What is Important to Me.

How so? 

I really only have impatience and intolerance for people that are not growing or letting or enabling others to grow.   I Speak of They that die the little death of stagnation, the Disease of lack of self belief and therefore suffer a lack of belief in others.  Those that diminish the spirit of their companions, those that do not understand their purpose and cannot therefore find one and progress.

I have no time for the soulless.

I believe in the purpose of Living, of singing, of still keeping on keeping on,

I don't seem to find myself crying and being surprised by the tears so much anymore, which means I have either got used to spontaneous tears, or I am crying when I should?  Any way, after looking over the year from my own viewpoint I got to thinking, it being Friday, how about I do this and last weeks Darcy page? 

Bugger me her word for last week was 'Release' and, and, and

now I cry as I write this,

for the first time today I did let go of Sarah a bit,  I have held her so tight for a year and to be honest it hurts to hold on; so letting go hurts less than hanging in there.  Here is what release looks like for me (week 37 of the Darcy 52 pages)

I firmly claim that Art has kept me from depression

I find peace of mind in paper, pencil and my images,

 

i cannot describe how good I feel after three hours drawing life studies, I forget Everything, and come out the other end totally happy. even when the drawing are not so good.

So letting go and moving on...

this week the word prompt was 'Author',

I have too many favorite Authors so I chose the most disturbing story I have ever read, it scares the pants off me, and it is so clever the reader will not realise until the end, so you read it all feeling the danger is passed, then you read the last three chapters and don't sleep for a week.

anyone who has read it will understand the reason I chose the this TH background...

Gaia is finished, I am going to show it because it looks nothing like the image in real life so it will still be surprising when Jo gets it (for putting me up for the weekend, because she has refused gifts so I am taking her back the doll I stole, albeit in bits and on a chopping board...)

 Off you go Live Your Life

 

I still haven't found the A-Z of me