deformed - a promise to Bleubeard and Elizabeth

i have reached the point in life where I can tell the time of day by the degree of pain, and I am being to realise the boundaries of my physical abilities are retreating towards me at an alarming rate.

sometimes I take meds and I imagine a life where I can be pain free and Alert, the kind of  imaginings that have rose tinted edges and are visualised through the wooly clouds of analgesia,

 I prefer in pain and alert,

my choice,

I only mention it because i happen to think deformity is beautiful and suffering is a positive experience that teaches a person far more about the world than drug induced stuporious absent minded happiness ever can,

tis why I am neither an alcoholic nor a drug addict

I am something far worse

I am a martyred masochist. that thinks there is nothing worse than being Normal or Average or Defeated

give me extraordinary and twisted and defiant every day of the week....

there you go Elizabeth ( and Bluebeard)

a full and frank confession as promised...

I also happen to know I suffer less than most...

here is my finger  which I usually keep curved the other way ( you can hardly tell I am weird if I try really hard.)  Sometimes my feet spasm and I get toes bending in half the wrong way - they go into a 'z' shape - it is so funny but also truly agonizing,  I swear they dislocate....

are you normal?